Comfort and Familiarity

I walked across the University of Jordan campus today and noticed that despite spending more than 3 months here I didn't feel at home, I didn't feel comfortable. I noticed that although I wasn't uncomfortable I didn't feel like I belonged. It was a strange sensation for me because I immediately thought about where exactly it was that I felt I belonged and I thought of a number of places. I feel that I belong in my parents home, at BYU, in Provo, and in Washington D.C. It is strange how places that once felt comfortable no longer do. I noticed this when I went back to D.C. and visited N.D.U. It didn't feel like I belonged there because I no longer did, the same is true when I visit Lone Peak High. However, I still feel that belonging at college. Even though I recognize that I can sit for hours in a class or on campus and not see or talk to anybody I know, I still feel at home amidst all of those strangers. I can't really explain why, part of it is a familiarity, part of it is experience, and other is a personal or emotional connection to the place. While walking across the campus here I realized that although I have friends here, and although I have spent more time than I care to think about studying here I still don't feel a connection. I feel like a transient and this is merely one of thousands of stops on my journey. It is sad in a way. I should have grown comfortable enough to feel like I was leaving part of me behind when I left. However, I am just happy to be going.

There are people and things I will miss. I will miss the excitement and smiles and conversations with my friends at the Language Center, especially with Aliet and Shereen. I will miss lunches at the Sheiks where I could eat pita, hummus, and potatoes to my hearts content at a discounted price because we visited so frequently and became his friends. I am going to miss traveling to and from school on micro buses and with crazy taxi drivers. I am going to really miss the mezzanines call to prayer throughout the day.

Despite these, I am excited to go home and at this point I don't feel that I will miss them enough to really be sad about leaving. I am ready to go home and feel comfortable, to belong, to fit in, and to enjoy familiarity. I don't know how long that will last before my love of the peoples, cultures, and ideas of the world reignites my desire to travel. But I am sure it will happen again. I will be home for awhile and I will remember why I left, why I began studying Arabic and the Middle East in the first place, and once again I will look for the opportunities to leave America and embark on another adventure. That day will come I am sure, but for now I am looking forward to my day of return.